Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.

Second City Toronto.
Improv and Comedy Writing classes.
What do we think?

Our Girlfriends Are Most Chaste!

2 years later:

1. How tall are you barefoot? How tall are oompa-loompas? Yeah, around there.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? I've done a lot o' things.
3. Do you own a gun? If you can't see it, it's not illegal.
4. Rehab? Yes. For everything. Twice.
5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"? No, I've met mine a few times. Okay, maybe a little.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? Usually, I think "Oh no, the stench. Why God?!". But when I'm walking through campus and haven't eaten anything for a while, the hot dog stand is heaven on wheels. And a bun.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Muppet Christmas Carol. The whole. Damn. Thing.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Meat.
9. Do you do push-ups? I can do over a thousand. I'm doing them right now.
10. Have you ever done ecstasy? No way, man, I get high on life. And drugs. 
11. Do you kiss on the first date? I can't say I've ever had a "date." I'll get back to you on that one.
12. Do you like painkillers? I like pain. I like to kill. I'm going to have to say yes.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Two knives. "Secret" is the same as "concealed", right?
14. Do you own a knife? One question ago. Keep up!
15. Do you have A.D.D.? Yes, I am answering this question. Now I am riding a bike. Now I am playing with dogs. Now I am riding dogs.
16. Date Of Birth? Well, it all started in Nineteen-Ought-Four, we had to say "ought" because the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty, and we chased him for Ought-Six miles to get it back. 
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: Metric. Beards. Script?
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: They were all edible. They were all edibled.
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: Water, Coke, Water, Ice Cubes, Coke.
20. What time did you wake up? It takes me about 10-15 minutes to get to class. So about 10-15 minutes before class.
21. Current hair? Be-hatted.
22. Current worry? The usual worries of the ultra-famous, you know. Waffles, unemployment.
23. Current hate? Writer's block. Got no funnies on my mind grapes.
24. Favorite place to be? Wheresoever I laugh the most. Currently, that would be the internet.
25. Least favorite place to be? Wheresoever I cry the most. Often, that would be the internet.
26. Where would you like to go? Yes. Anywhere.
27. Do you own slippers? Yes, I am a comedy legend. So, naturally, banana peels.
28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? I'll be nearly thirty! That is terrifying.
29. Do you burn or tan? I'm a comedy legend. I don't go outside.
30. Last thing you ate? I'm a comedy legend. Meat.
31. Would you be a pirate? No, I do not think so. Too many 14 year olds would fall in love with me. Then I would have to steal their valuables, rape their loved ones and either kill or enslave them. 
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? Commencement. Commence WHAT? Commence drinking.
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately, Simon and Garfunkel, but I change the words to be about showering. "So here's to you, Herbal Essences. My hair will be so silky thanks to you, ooh ooh ooh!"
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? My own dolls. Thanks, Child's Play.
35. What's in your pockets right now? 41 cents. Now who needs a Suger Mama?
36. Last thing that made you laugh? "We used to be pussweeds, but now we're metal. SO GET OVER HERE AND PUT OUT!" Bill and Ted, absolute gold. It won Best Picture, right? RIGHT?

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? Little Mermaid and Baby Sheep. I am so awesome.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Apartment- 2. At home- 5. We likes our TV.
41. Who is your loudest friend? Nearly all of them.
42. Who is your most silent friend? Not too many, but I think Miss Kelly and Sir Andrew are the most quiet.
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I think so? I hope so. 
45. What is your favorite book? Currently, David Copperfield and Watchmen.
46. What is your favorite candy? The kind what has the sugars.
47. What song do you want played at your wedding? Bowie. Bowie all the way. Doesn't even matter, any Bowie.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Scenes From My Funeral by Of Montreal, or Here I Come by The Roots.
49. What were you doing 12:00am last night? Why? You can't prove anything.
50. Do you love the pain of tattoos? Don't know, probably not, wouldn't mind finding out.

Good night, Future Boy!

What? I've been here the whole time. Yes, a new blog every day.

Oh, I could never lie to you. 

The truth is, I completely forgot all about you and my internet word-hole. I'll make it up to you, like right now. With everyone's favourite feature...

HAPPENSTANCES!

Issue 1.2: Cat got your tie!

1. As the TA's at my university continue to strike, my strike beard grows wilder and more fantastic every day. I will look like a real rock and roll man soon. Except for that I have the girl bits and can't actually grow a beard of any magnitude, especially not of Fantastic Rock proportions.

2. I promised myself that if my school went on strike, I would use the spare time to begin a screenplay or pilot episode for a sitcom. I have done neither of these things. I am bad with ideas, and also with writing them.

3. One of the hottest bitches in my harem has left the country. Honey, couldn't we have skipped bail together?

4. I have everything I want an arm's length away. Time to reach. How gay and awesome.

5. I miss all my tiny university babies, I miss all my itty bitty high school buddies, I miss my mommy, and I don't care who knows it.

6. Aaaaaand I'm taking a half-day.

Power down, party up.

They're coming to get you, Barbara!

Sarrah loves zombies.

Zombies love brains.

Let's play.

As Hallowe'en is approaching, I am reminded of how much I love everything undead. 

So I really want to have a zombie movie-fest, and watch all the amazing Romero ones, the wonderful and terrible pseudo-Romero ones, and the ancient (and really racist) ones.

At the same time, I would like to play "ZOMBIES!!!", which is a board game I have. Which is essentially, a choose your own adventure zombie movie in the form of a game. Which is most excellent.

THEN I want to play this.

Humans vs Zombies.

Zombies. Nerf Guns. My two favourite things in the world.

Let's do this, kids. Let's do it hard, all night long.

In conclusion,

GRAAAHBRAAAAAINSUUUUUGGHHHHHH.

She's a Harbour Chick!

Ahoy, philistines and foes. It's the first installment of...

Happenstances!

Issue 1.1: Digest it in your brain belly.

Happenstances is the place where you come to find out what I am up to. I am sick of responding to thousands of fan e-mails, answering the same questions. I'm doing this for you, so clam up, read it and be grateful. 

So here you go, all the duck that's fit to bake. Or something.

1. I suppose I am going to use government money to go and see Broken Social Scene. I will hate everyone in the audience, but dig the music. 

2. I suppose I am going to use government money to go and put metal in my face. Ontario, I salute you.

3. Mad amounts of projects, essays and tests. But I'm going to write in here instead. All on the taxpayer's dime. Suck it!

4. TORONTO HAS REAL LIVE ICE CREAM TRUCKS WITH THE MUSIC AND EVERYTHING OH MY GOD! It's a nice change from the SIRENS AND CAR ALARMS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

5. I know someone who is in Baltimore, Maryland with a troupe of traditional Filipino folk dancers. So, there you go.

6. This gal, right here, really wants to take more pictures at concerts. I am also going to pimp out ma flickr. www.flickr.com/sarrahsholdice. Check it. Word. Ho'z. Fly. Am I doing this right?

7. Stars get my knickers excited in the best possible way. Oh giddy god, mucho sexo.

8. I want to be in a band. I would be an awesome band member. We'd be called Future Boy. We would play experimental, post-romantic rock. We would take the Jane&Driftwood area by storm. I wouldn't really do a whole lot, considering I don't have any applicable skills or talents. But hot damn, I am charismatic!

9. I was hoping I would do ten of these. Uhm...

10. Yes! Made it! Here we go. Okay, let's see. Oh! I know. 30 Rock, season premiere on October 30th. Who's going to join me, either in Toronto or in the miniature village town from whence I sprang?

That's right, sportsfans, 3 posts in 2 days. Either a sign of commitment (alternatively, boredom) or a cry for help. You decide!

Adieu, my pets.

Think, McFly, Think!

As I have just re-started this blog, and it is 4:30 in the morning, I thought I had better keep the momentum going. Or put myself to sleep with my own inane ramblings. So I thought, what the hell can I write that will be of any interest to anyone? And then, I realized. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing at all. Blogs are boring and stupid and everyone knows it, so I'm just going to talk about myself. Damn straight. Getting to be the Sarrah you all know and love today has taken years of precise conditioning and moulding by my parents, peers and the strangers who ask for my picture on the internet. I did not exactly have your average upbringing. I mean, no traumatic incidences, I actually had a totally bitchin' childhood. I owe a great part of who I am today to my parents, and all the shit they let me watch. For this reason, should I ever spawn, the products of my loins will only be exposed to things that are awesome and will make them rad adults (radults?). 

I present to you...

Things Sarrah Loved As a Child!

A collection of TV shows, movies, and people that made up my childhood.

TV Shows

Eureeka's Castle. 

If you don't remember this show, YouTube it now. I would still watch this show. If you do, even slightly, remember, watch the intro and feel the awesome waves of nostalgia wash over you.

Today's Special.

Same as above. Plus creepy moving mannequins and cartoons that became real!

Night Court.

This was not a children's show. Still awesome, though. 

The Simpsons.

Yes, this is an obvious one, but I remember watching this show with my brother in our old house (that we moved out of when I was two). That's commitment. 

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers

The original one. I remember crying when our babysitter wouldn't let us watch it because it was too violent. And my brother, playing Power Rangers with my grandma, kicking her in the face. Don't worry, as it turns out, she wasn't Rita Repulsa, and she didn't explode in a mess of silver limbs. The 90's were glorious.

Ghostbusters, The Animated Series.

I remember having heated debates about how it was inferior to the movies. A blonde Egon? Come on! I was probably around 4.

Dinosaurs.

Great then. Great now. There are so many inferences of things that children wouldn't (or shouldn't) understand.

Who's Line Is It Anyway?

I guess this was a bit later on, though I still must have been pretty young considering I remember trying to get my friends to play some of the games with me. Their weak, ten-year old wits just couldn't keep up with a seasoned comedy veteran such as myself.

Seinfeld.

I didn't understand, I just laughed when the adults laughed.

Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

You want your kids to be fly, right?

Saturday Night Live.

My parents would tape it every week, and I'd watch it on Sunday morning. When all those other losers were watching cartoons, I was eating cereal to Chris Farley in a dress.

Movies

Back to the Future Trilogy.

Still probably could be considered my favourite movies. I was the only 5 year old who knew how time travel worked, and who's dream car was a Delorean. 

Ghostbusters, I and II

Because of my aforementioned love of Saturday Night Live, Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd were fixtures of my youth. We even had a uniform and a proton pack. Jealous?

Wayne's World I and II

Although I am incredibly grateful to my parents for introducing me to these, and similar movies, I can't help but wonder why they thought it would be appropriate for children who were 2 and 5. I was the only kid in first grade who knew what pubes were. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Jurassic Park.

Hell yes. No thanks, Aladdin. I'll take Jeff Goldblum.

Free Willy

Ew! They ate cake with ketchup on it! Gross!

Also, whales.

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.

I saw this movie when I was seven years old. SEVEN. What the christ?! I was so desensitized, I didn't realize the title was a penis joke until this year. It was just so familiar. 

Liar, Liar.

Violence, check. Swearing, check. Sexual content, check. Jim Carrey, check. Owned it on VHS in 1998, checkmate.

The Muppet Christmas Carol.

My whole family still watches this movie every Christmas Eve. It is the reason I fell in love with Charles Dickens. The Muppets taught me to love literature.

People.

My childhood heroes:

Bill Murray

Dan Aykroyd

Jim Carrey

Gilda Radner

Harold Ramis

Mike Myers

Michael J. Fox

David Spade

Trey Parker

Christopher Lloyd

Phil Hartman

Dana Carvey

Hank Azaria

Chris Farley

Will Smith

Crispin Glover

Colin Mochrie

Rick Moranis

...Best childhood ever.

Now, go and contemplate how much cooler you would all be if your parents had let you watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (I don't care what anyone says, the third one was awesome). Or you can rant about the kids these days, and all their Amanda Montana's and whatnot. 

I shall end this with a quote.

"Magic is great. I love magic. Without magic, Santa would be long dead by now."

- Me, age 6. (Seriously.)

HOLY BLOG RESURRECT, BATMAN.

So, I have decided to return to my rightful place as Internet Badass and Merry-Maker, where I am free to shit up the web with my fruitless opinions and ill-planned rants. Take that!

I feel like the beginning of Wayne's World 2, where Wayne has to go through all the changes since the last movie in order for you to keep up. So I guess I'll do that.

Okay, so I'm no longer a 16/17-year old, myspacing, Walken-loving typical blogger asshole. (I mean, I still love Walken, naturally. But that's SO 2006, amirite?)

I have grown wiser, grown stronger, but not grown taller. I actually got into a university, so I'm living in Toronto, in my own apartment (excellent!), with Keith and Andrew, though Keith and I are no longer together (s'cool, don't worry about it, s'cool).

I'm majoring in English and Professional Writing. Yeah, I have no idea either. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I bought that camera I was saving up for last post, used it, sold it and bought a better one. You guys have missed a lot.

Since last time, I've lost my braces, my acne (yes!), The Simpsons and SNL became good again and Family Guy still sucks. I had many moments of discovery (Clone High, 30 Rock, Alan Moore, Vampire Weekend, and Canon's L-series, to name a few). It's been quite the ride.

So that pretty much brings us up to now, but Andrew probably still doesn't have pubes. I decided to restart this blog because

a) i liek have soooo many intresting things 2 liek say or w/e.

b) I am my own biggest fan, and I amuse myself for hours.

c) I have way too much time on my hands, as I'm not taking a full course load in school.

d) I would dearly love to hone my comedy writing skills (or, you know, get some) in case I am really hilarious and had no idea. Is that a future career in television I'm hearing?

So here we are, Volume I of the Encyclopedia Sarratica, where I manage to type perfectly coherent sentences about nothing at all. I can also make blogs rise from the dead. I will continue to rip off anything I see fit, so no popular culture is safe (I'm looking at you, Colbert and O'Brien). I'll try and keep it more to my HILARIOUS commentary about the things I think are funny, but every once in a while, it may be "Personal Stuff Blog, Waaaaah." Fuck you, this is my house. Deal with it.

Anyways, here's a new feature for you to enjoy. And don't you dare disagree with anything I say because this is the internet, and on the internet I am always right because this is my blog, which makes me an expert on the things I am talking about.

I GUARANTEE!

This is where I come to guarantee. Guaranteed or your money back. Guarantee has lost all meaning. Guarantee, guarantee, guarantee.

30 Rock: You will laugh. You will be attracted to Tina Fey. You will strive to become more like Alec Baldwin. You will talk like Tracy Morgan. You will have an incredibly rad time. You will become addicted.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog: You will laugh. You will be attracted to Neil Patrick Harris and Felicia Day and Nathan Fillion. You will buy/download the soundtrack, memorize all the words, and have it stuck in your head all day and love it. You will enjoy a musical (gasp!).

How I Met Your Mother: You won't think it will be all that great. You'll watch a few minutes, laugh a couple times, and stick with thinking it's not that great. By the end of one episode, you will have acquired at least one new catch phrase, and have sore cheeks from laughing.

Futurama: You will like it if you watch it. I'm looking at you, Fumo.

I can't think of anymore right now.

Sarrah Gets Un-Funny

A 'lil bit of serious for a moment. Just for me to vent, and clearly marked so you can avoid it. For the emotionally squeamish, look away now.

To whom it may concern:

Treating me like shit doesn't help anything, by the way. It makes you look like a dick, and makes everything even more awkward. I'm trying my best, okay?

I miss you so much. Come live with me next year. We can cook and take pictures and be fags for a whole year. Come home safe, I love you.

I'm really fucking glad I met you. Seriously, you are awesome and I'm really happy for you. I would probably hate it here if it wasn't for you, actually. BFFs? BFFs!

You drive me crazy. You distract me. You mess me up completely. You're fucking up my life. Don't stop.

You will never read this. I don't know you, but I don't like you. You don't know how good you have it.

I'm actually not in a very humorous mood, and haven't been for a while, which may be why my writing seems so forced right now. I wanted to write something funny to cheer myself up, and I would like to say that it's working, but clearly, it isn't. The worst part is, I know exactly what it will take to bring me back to life, and I know that it's not going to happen for a while, if ever. I'm stuck, I've lost a wheel, I'm sitting in the dirt and no one's hand is coming to lead me home. I'm waiting, and I won't stop waiting.

I've got to practice my sloth impression by sleeping for a few days, I'll be back to bestow you with more ravings later.

Ciao, babies.