I'd rather be lucky than smart.

I have a new favourite mantra, it was provided by a stranger off the internet:

"Real people doin' real things."

It's beautiful, it's inspiring. I plan to use it in the future to motivate me.

REAL PEOPLE DOIN REAL THINGS!

Get it in gear, Sholdice. Real people do real things every day. Real people do important things all the time. REAL people. REAL things. Figure it out. Get it done. No hesitations, no excuses.

Them people, they real. They so real they doin real shit every day, come on. What you doin? It ain't real so why can't you get it real and get it done and make it good and REAL. It's time to get it real for real! It ain't hard I don't know what your problem is, real people do real things, you got real things too. You ain't doing your things, or your things ain't real, then you ain't real, you know? So get it here and now and done and real.

REALLY.

If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.

Are you still here? Oh, you aren't, right. Well it's been a while, so forgive me if this is long and winded.

Holy shit, I love Christmas. My Christmas list basically consists of TV on DVD (because I don't get HBO, Showtime or SyFy but I want BSG, Dexter and SFU) and vinyl. I can't wait to watch the traditional Christmas movies with my family: Muppet Christmas Carol, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future. You know, classics.

So I am entering my fourth month of clown school (aka Comedy Writing and Performance). As time goes on, I am seeing more and more why they wanted to make a reality show out of this. Much of the time it just seems like a normal school environment: classes, assignments, deadlines. Then on top of that there is drama and gossip, an air of competition, ego and drive, the pressure to produce and succeed, and the sluggish haze of those just trying to take it all in.

After going to university, I am very aware of how different my program is from what my high school peers are now persuing. I read their facebook status updates about midterms, exams, essays upon essays. Compared to my to-do list: sketch, two minutes of material about relationships, one impression and one character. I'm not going to say I'm not stressed, but I'd rather be stressed about perfecting a dirty joke or Kristin Stewart's stoner lip-biting, than writing 3000 words on some dude's theory. It feels very much like we are being groomed for show business. And that's pretty cool (and pretty scary).

Next on the agenda, I love dogs. Anyone who knows me, knows I love dogs. I have one permanently inked on my hip, after all. I want to get a dog, but I will have to wait until I can feed myself, let alone another living creature. I'm still trying to narrow down my list of contenders on what breed to get (although I am not ruling out adopting from a shelter, I may want to show and for that I'd need a champion-sired purebred).

Contenders:

Cairn Terrier

Norfolk or Norwich Terrier

Pembroke Welsh Corgi

Boston Terrier

Why yes, I do plan things very, very, very far in advance. And yes, I sure do an insane amount of research beforehand. Pets, vacations, nuptials, offspring. You name it, I've planned it.

Probably more later. Lemon out.

I am homeless as of September.

Aw christ.

Update:

holy shit i got in
what the fuck
ALL RIGHT

I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with "Fuck Mountain".

Days until audition: less than 12 hours.

Audition progress: Done? Oh god, I hope so.

Headshots printed.

Putting the final revisions on my sketch, which is a shorter, simplified version 2.0 of Rod and Mitch episode one. The characters have been reformatted. They are slightly less obnoxiously bumbling and the signs of mental impairment have significantly decreased. There isn't a lot of room for characterization, so I had to simplify the already-simple fellows. It has been re-dubbed "The Veto Game" and is 2 pages in length, double spaced (aka super, duper short). 

My stand-up? Well, let's just hope I can wow them with my sketch. And the interview. And the improv.

Wake up, print sketch, get bus tokens, bus to Downsview, subway to St. George, west to Kipling, on the 44 bus to campus, find D building, find room, don't crash and burn. Hey, so now I'm basically done, I just havetozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Life of Worry

Days until audition: 8

Audition progress: Hope. Distant, ugly hope.

First improv workshop at York on Friday.

Oh, and I'm running it.

What?

Well, a good chance to stretch my legs at this whole improv game, and maybe get some sketch/stand-up feedback, too. 

I ran into former Huron Countian-turned-Humber Comic-turned-comedian on the subway. He gave me hope for my admission chances. I breathed a deep, almost sensual sigh of relief. 

So I need to plan out this improv meet, edit and improve my pitiful stand-up and choose and perfect a sketch for submission. 

One last thought:

What's more funny: Sacrilege or bros?

This is important, I swear.

Auf weidersehen, you chucklefucks.

ps. I really hope you aren't dense enough to not have realized that all the titles are links, but chances are that this is the case for some of you. 

"If you only click one title link in your lifetime, make it this one!" -Billy Mays*. 

You don't want to disappoint Billy Mays, do you? You don't want to fucking piss off BILLY GODDAMN MAYS, do you?

*Actually me.

Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.

I almost have it narrowed down.

Edward Norton (minus the swastika)

Christian Bale (minus the gay tanning booth)

James Franco (more scruff)

Jake Gyllenhaal

Cillian Murphy (longer hair, more scruff)

Ewan McGregor (less shirt)

Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie

Paul Rudd

Simon Pegg

Well, for now anyways.

I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.

Days until audition: 18

Audition Progress: Dickity balls. (This is a slight improvement.)

(Yes, I've joined Twitter. But only for the celebrity stalker value. Shaq!)

You know how hard it is to create a sketch in only two double-spaced pages (aka ONE FUCKING PAGE)? Hard. Dick hard. Conjugal visit dick hard. There's literally no room for expletive (or any narrative), I might as well cram in as many one-liners as I can. I guess I don't really need to worry about story or flow or characters.

Here, how about some sample dialogue?

"Shuttlecock? I barely know her!"

"Oh no! That soup was for the President!"

"Nuts to that, I'm going Danish-style."

"You're pretty for a man."

"Fornicate. Parakeet. Fornikeet."

"Zinger!"

"And that's how Nancy Grace was born."

Okay, enough of that. I'm losing my mind already, awesome.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." - Gilda Radner.

Four fried chickens and a Coke.

DAYS UNTIL AUDITION: 23

AUDITION PROGRESS: Fuck.

Fact: Anthony Michael Hall was the youngest cast member in SNL history, at 17 years old.

Another fact: People are reading this thing? Well shit, no pressure I guess. Geez, at least leave a comment or something. I'll try and add in some... content... and entertainment... and regular updates... or something.

Beep beep, Richie.

So I officially applied to Humber's Comedy Writing and Performance program. The only comedy program in the English-speaking world. My chances are pretty slim, but I what-the-hell'd it anyway. Why not? Uplifting words about how people who don't take risks are not as good as people who do take risks or something.

Audition for Humber: 

April 22nd.

Need:

2 minutes of stand-up and one 2-page long performable sketch.

Fuckshitballsbutt.

And to keep up with my new tradition:

St. Patrick's Day is now St. O'Bama's Leprechaun Appreciation Day/All-You-Can-Guinness Festival.

Also, I'd like to introduce you to my new little friend. Her name is Dorothy. I love Dorothy.

More pictures here.

Sometimes, I guess there just aren't enough rocks.

So, I'm not sure I'm going to make it through this year at school. I don't like my program or my classes or my school and I know that this isn't what I want to be pursuing. I can't totally blame it on that, though, because I know I haven't been putting in the effort I should. But when I'm at class, in a lecture that has apparently nothing to do with English or writing, I keep thinking about what all of my heroes did. They took a huge risk and left everything to pursue comedy. Many of them dropped out of school or took their degrees and went to Second City. I don't know if I have the talent or motivation enough to succeed, but it's really all I can think about. I'm reading Ibsen and Chekhov and Huxley, and I just keep thinking of how best to parody them, or of a sketch idea I've been toying with.

I'm going to really try to pull my grades up this term, but if I don't... I'm basically screwed. I feel like the next three and a half years is just going to be killing time (and appeasing parents/social norms) until I can do what I actually want to do. If I can even make it that far. 

Luckily, I always have plans B, C and sometimes D for every eventuality. Plan A is make it through the year (aka PASS). Other options:

1. Okay, didn't make it. Fuck. Take a year off, work, write, re-apply to different schools for something closer to the career I want. Live in Toronto with Thompson.

2. Year off. Write, work, try again for school. Live in London for super cheap with Joe.

3. Live at home, save and work.

4. Toronto with Thompson. Take classes at Second City, work and write. 

Options 2 and 4 are most appealing at this point. I'm still hoping I can pull it together at this point, but I'm realistic. Even if I do make it through the year, I still might go for one of the other options because it beats shelling out another $10,000+ on school that I'm not enjoying or putting to good use. 

THIS JUST IN.

Okay, I might want to leave my school for this program alone.

I really, really want to do this. The program still has space open. Sorry, Mom and Dad. 

God. I hate that whale.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you were still here.

Well, let's see. Another episode of Rod and Mitch is up, probably the best yet. You should watch it. Oh look! It's right here. 

I already have episodes four and five story arced, so I should probably write them at some point.

I really, really want to write something else other than Rod and Mitch, but I can't really see myself getting more actors and comedic-type folks to work with, so if I do write it, the world (you) may never see it. But, practice makes something, you know?

IN OTHER NEWS.

The dude is coming up for (his) whole march break. Party. Bonus.

School sucks. A bunch. A big whole bunch a lot.

Saw Watchmen. Approve.

Go to Sneaky Dee's on the 19th for the Rival Boys EP release party.

G'Night.

"Cosgrove, how come you never got married?"

"Because I like meat too much."

"You can get married and still eat a lot of meat."

"... I didn't know that."

Post- St. Barackentine's Choco-Rocko-Flexi-Fest update:

Super, super, super awesome times. Really drat good. Solid. 4+. 

How geeks celebrate Valentine's day:

BBQ, Coraline, Silver Snail, Left 4 Dead and Garfield Minus Garfield. 

Golly, nerds are the best.

Unfortunately, weekends have to end for some reason (a fundamental flaw in the design, in my opinion). Aaaaand I woke up ridiculously ill this morning (the coughing, sneezing kind, not the whoops, baby! vomit-y kind). Just to add to this fun, I have a couple weeks of assignments and tests to look forward to. Muhmuhmuh.

To remember, once I have a life again: read newly-acquired Batmans, get back to Clinton asap, work on sketches (Rod&Mitch + something new). 

Also, EVERYONE GO SEE THE RIVAL BOYS ON FEBRUARY 28th AT RANCHO RELAXO! I'll be there, live and in person! But for now, I'm curling up in my big, lonesome bed with Kleenex and Halls.

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

For all my beautiful, regular readers, I'm so sorry to have left you hanging upside-down on the sweet-ass roller-coaster that is my life. I've been at school, where I'm supposed to be doing things that usually require time and effort. I have these little things called exams coming up, and with exams comes final projects and the like. 

So I have all of these little annoyances constantly barking in my brain barrel, and meanwhile I have an absolute metric megaton (a couple) of ideas that I could be making into sketches. Life is so cruel. Well, not really. 

Also, everyone's favourite corporate-designed superholiday is coming up. You know, the kind what has the chocolates that I eat? I don't remember what it is called, so I'll just call it St. Obama's Cinnamon Heart Saturday Extravaganza. Actually, that sounds about right. I guess I did remember. 

On this day of days, I will be eating gratuitous species of animals and in a consistent state of smiles and hugging. But that probably would have happened anyway. I don't think I'll have the time to go out and get a present for the sacred day, so I guess I'll have to fashion some sort of cloth doll out of Andrew's clothes. Just like the first Obamadon. Actually, I have a couple ideas but I'm not sure who lurks here, so I'm not going to post them. You'll just have to wait, you!

I'm hoping once next term starts and things somewhat calm down in the school department, I'll be able to return with the funnies. I pretty much have the best schedule ever next semester. Thursday AND Friday off? Tits!

Who knows what I'll stuff into my humour cannon next? STAY TUNED!

Seacrest out.

No title.

No energy.

Sick, sore, lonely, impatient, unmotivated.

Not letting things bother me that should.

Letting things bother me that shouldn't.

Fuuuuck.

The metric week consists of 3 days: MWEN, TURTH and Sunday.

So, after more than 12 weeks, I returned to my newly "remediated" home of higher learning. It felt much as my very first day did. There was far too many people, I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to be doing, and I sure wasn't holding out hope of seeing a familiar face. 

Luckily, the day wore on to more pleasant results. I saw people I knew, and had missed. My classes (so far) had not been excruciating. Nazis? Satire? The Big Lebowski? Yes! And even the remediation plan thus far does not seem too painful. Sure, we aren't getting a bunch of assignments knocked off, but even if we did, would it be worth the thousands I paid to be here, just to get off easy by default? 

Hopefully the rest of my (exceptionally short) term will leave me standing, with a shred of either energy, hope or dignity. It may choose which one. 

Meanwhile, on the sketch comedy front, we currently have two episodes of Rod and Mitch completed. Episode 3 has been rough drafted, and episodes 4 and 5 have been concept-ed (conceived?). Stay tuned, kids.

My dearest/darlingest/directorest is coming up for Valentine's Day. It wasn't planned that way, but gosh darn if that isn't just adorable.

Well, that's all the mud that's fit to bake.

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Good times, noodle salad.

Back to school tomorrow. Genuinely terrifying.

Two episodes finished and online! I feel somewhat accomplished. Check them out, please!

I don't think you read this, but I miss you incredibly. All my senses have dulled, as if touch and smell have less value without you. I have found home; I am not home.

You Must Have the Hostage Special!

UPDATES:

School going back soon, soon, soon!

AND

My first sketch, "Rod and Mitch Will Draw For You- Episode 1" has been filmed and will be up on the World Wide Web soon, soon, soon!

Trying to get it online now, to no avail. Anyway, join the Facebook group, "Rod and Mitch Will Draw For You" (clever name, huh?), in the meantime!

HEY. FUCK YOU. WATCH THIS.

Jan30/09- Going back to school on Monday. Fuckfuckfuck.
BUT I hope you all enjoyed Episode One. Please join the group, watch it over and over and leave your praise spewed everywhere. I have Episode Two written, and we pretty cohesively agree that it's better, but now that school is back and I'm certainly going to be balls-deep in it, filming might have to wait until this semester is over. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but no one wants to film without me there. D'aww, shucks. I am the Lorne Michaels AND Bonnie and Terry Turner of this project, so I definitely want to be there for the filming, but on the other hand, I also just want to get these pumped out on a semi-regular basis. But on the other OTHER hand, for episode two, I'm going to be pretty picky about the execution, so maybe I should be in the delivery room for this bundle of joy. We'll just have to see if I survive my accelerated and abbreviated first semester of post-secondary.

May I Have 55 Words With You?

Apparently, one can learn how to write comedy from books. 

I intend to stay up and read said books. If I become funnier, send  $1 to the authors or their respective widows.

Also, "An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live"?

Yes. Ten times yes.

Also, updates:

University still on strike. Someone set fire to the union's picketing shelters on campus. I can see the flashing lights from my balcony right now. Magnificent.

No sketch production updates. Filming is put on hold whilst I'm back in the city, and when I return? I'll get to it as soon as I possibly feel like it!

If I get bored enough, I might write another episode, but don't hold your various breaths.

Currently evading sleep to read:

The Comic Toolbox: How to Be Funny Even If You're Not by John Vorhaus

G'night, my little chuckle buckets!

Hold On to Your Butts.

It comes as no surprise to me: writing comedy is much more difficult than writing drama. It is frustrating; the pressure to not only be humorous, but also original, to write something that appeals to the most amount of people (including comedians) and still be proud of it.

But for some reason, it is also fun and exhilarating. I feel like I'm not only doing something productive, but something that could possibly contribute to my future? Whoa, that's heavy.

I don't consider myself a comedian, but I do understand comedy as an art and an industry, which is why some may consider me pretentious about the subject. It's not that I think I am better than any comedians (far from it!), but you aren't going to make me laugh just because you snagged yourself an hour on Comedy Central, and if you don't make me laugh, you aren't really doing your job. And yet, people like this are able to make a living through these means. That gives me some hope. If nothing else, I could always be a "Women are like this, men are like this, AMIRITE?" stand-up. I have a ridiculous amount of respect for those who are attempting to not only make a living in this career, but to also bring something original to the table. These are the people that I study and idolize. They are the reason I watch SNL faithfully (even through the rough seasons), and spend far too much time on YouTube. Kudos, folks!

In conclusion, I am just a baby to this whole writing thing, I'm still finding my footing and learning, but I'm finding it to be exhausting and exciting and fun and frustrating, just a little scary, but an awesome rush. Luckily, I am my own biggest fan and my work usually makes me laugh the most. Unfortunately, I don't have too many (any?) fellow comedians as friends, so I mostly have to bounce ideas off of... well, myself. I would love to get a serious sketch comedy team (oxymoron?) put together, made of aspiring comedians or especially hilarious people. 

People that make me laugh right now:

Derrick Comedy

Stella

Picnicface

Tina Fey

Giggle out, kids!

Suck It, Monkeys!

I've started running with the second idea from my brainstorming session. A sketch series called "Rod and Mitch Will Draw For You." It falls somewhere between sitcom, sketch and short. It has situational humour, and somewhat of a continuing story line, but the episodes are short and sketch-like. I'm aiming for about 5 minutes (or less) for each episode. So far, I have my director and my main characters set, and some pretty good feedback. So this thing might actually get off the ground! 

More updates on this as they happen, and if anyone wants to get involved, just contact me!

* UPDATES *

Two "episodes" of 'Rod and Mitch' completed. Note to self: film it?

01/14/09 - Storyboard-ing for episode 1 has commenced! Goal, to be completed: When it's finished, all right?

01/16/09 - Need to get this fuck on the road, because I'm moving back! Filming this weekend, hopefully!

Oh, I Like to Have Dinner Every Night.

She did it, ladies and gentleman. This moi, right here, just finished my first comedy sketch ever.

Well, the first draft anyway.

High five!

Are You Mental? Get the Net!

Oh look! A place to brainstorm. Get out, this is my Yuk Shack.

1. "Sarrah Sholdice and the Fight for Funny": Sorry, Joe. I'm going to parody you, here. But you can help! Sarrah is in a consistent fight against things that are not funny; Family Guy, Carlos Mencia, Jeff Dunham, Blue Collar Comedy, bad slapstick, hack stand-ups, Epic/Date/Superhero Movie, 4chan, etc. Basically, kicking and screaming in the name of humour. Essentially, because everyone knows how much of a comedy snob I am. Series.

2. "Rod and Mitch Will Draw For You": Two best friends attempt to create a webcomic together. Somewhat based on my roommates, perhaps? Sitcom-esque, series. Either a) can't get it off the ground because of creative differences, arguments. Frienemies? Or b) can't get it off the ground, because everyone hates it but them. Heterosexual platonic love?

3. "Sarrah On...": Sarrah's thoughts and advice on a variety of subjects and situations. Series Could be replaced by not me? Sarrah On: Meeting Your Heroes, Sarrah On: The First Date, Sarrah On: Succeeding in School, Sarrah On: Wowing Your Boss, Sarrah On: Your Sister Asking You To Be In The Delivery Room But You Don't Want To Be The First Person To Barf Near Her Baby, etc.

4. "The First Original First Date": Man tries to impress a girl, with an original first date with HILARIOUS RESULTS. May require clown suit, carousel, pennyfarthing, many televisions all playing "Commando". "Bet you've never done this on a date before." Sketch.

5. "Writer's Block": A group (few? pair?) of writer's tries to generate new sketch ideas, with HILARIOUS RESULTS. Sketch.

6. "MAX FUNDS!": Charity commercials bringing you down? How about we JAZZ UP THAT SHIT?! EXTREME CHARITIES! Alternatively, charities that shouldn't exist. Or a mix of the two. Sketch.

More later? Hopefully, yes.

*Need writing partners/sketch team members!* 

Are You the Keymaster?

Considering no one reads this, for the humourous musings or the serious business I discuss within the virtual pages, I figure I can start to use this space to rant a little bit more, without irritating anyone except for the Internet's TubeMasters or whoever monitors the World Wide Web.

So, it's now 2009, and I can say with complete conviction that 2008 was the most ridiculous year of my young life. Both good and bad, new and exciting and scary and sad and rich and fresh, and a lot more ands. I've made people smile, and cry. In this shiny new year, I plan to do more of the former and less of the latter.

Usually, I hate New Year's Resolutions and never thought about them, made them, or broke them. But this year is different, in so many ways. This year really is a fresh start, and I'm not afraid to start again. I now realize that I didn't have New Year's Resolutions, because I had no goals and no desire to have goals. And, again, this year is different. I'm not going to kid myself into thinking I'm going to completely change myself as a person, but it's nice to have a direction to go in. So, I guess we'll see. As I begin to compile the yearly to-do list, I repeat what appears to have been my mantra for this past annum: Here goes.

1. Get It Together, Sholdice: Let's focus, let's succeed. It's your first year, you've got to make it out alive. Hopefully with some decent grades to show for it.

2. Build up the Yuk Shack: Just because people tell you that you're funny doesn't mean you can do it for a living. Let's prove it.

3. Dance With Me: You've found it. Let's hold on to it.

4. The Kansas Ink: Just get the damn thing already.

5. Back to Thirty: Go back to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Conan, SNL, Tina.

6. Revenge of the Nerds: Build up that comic collection, buy some video games. You're falling behind in geek points.

7. Diet PC Cola: Just drop a few more. Tina was 127 lbs, but that was three seasons ago and she's 5'4 and 1/2, you're not.

That's about all I have, actually. 

The more I stop to think about it, the happier I become.

I'm so fucking goddamn lucky. How did this happen to me? ... Not that I'm complaining.

This year. Yes. Let's fuck this year up, olde style.