FUNNY FOR MONEY

My new blog is at www.funnyformoney.tumblr.com

Feel free to follow me, you creepy kids.

Do... or do not. There is no try.

Started preliminary writing work on a two-woman show. Brace yourself, Toronto. Maybe I'll write a joke about MEN or VAGINAS. That would really stump everyone! It would be so edgy. SO LOOK OUT FOR THAT, nobody!

"What does God need with a starship?"

I have to write some stand up material on religion for class. So I'm just going to rant about it here for a while until something funny strikes me.

I'm an atheist. I've been an atheist for as long as I've been exposed to religion. Something about churches and Bibles and dogma just don't sit well with me. I think it stems from my issues with authority. How many historical badasses were religious fundamentalists? Very few, I'd imagine, because the idea of being told that only one way is the truth and the light - and therefore you must do exactly as we say and don't ask questions - is very unappealing to historical badasses like myself.

Religion, after all, is fiction and fantasy. Like Star Trek. Come to think of it, Spock died in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan. Perhaps that was for our sins. And then he came back in Star Trek III: Search for Spock. Resurrected. Maybe we should be eating Cadbury Cream Eggs in his Holy name.

Actually, let's go for the real, authentic religious experience. Star Trek as a valid, modern religion. We can walk up busy highways with signs, proclaiming "KIRK HATES FAGS". We can stand outside of abortion clinics yelling "KLINGON TO YOUR FETUS" or "SAVE THE NEXT GENERATION". We can engage our photon torpedoes in disputes with other countries because Captain Janeway is the only way. We put up deflector shields made of ignorance. Instead of the Vatican, we are ruled by the United Federation of Planets. Instead of the papacy, we have Starfleet. From there, we can divide into different sects. There will be The Church of the Cardassians of Deep Space Nine, The Dominion of Gamma Quadrant, and the Borg Fellowship Collective. Despite there being minute differences of negligible importance between them, they will have a history of conflict and violence. That's what I like to call a failed Enterprise! But in the end, it's just like Kirk says in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; "what does God need with a starship?"

I'd rather be lucky than smart.

I have a new favourite mantra, it was provided by a stranger off the internet:

"Real people doin' real things."

It's beautiful, it's inspiring. I plan to use it in the future to motivate me.

REAL PEOPLE DOIN REAL THINGS!

Get it in gear, Sholdice. Real people do real things every day. Real people do important things all the time. REAL people. REAL things. Figure it out. Get it done. No hesitations, no excuses.

Them people, they real. They so real they doin real shit every day, come on. What you doin? It ain't real so why can't you get it real and get it done and make it good and REAL. It's time to get it real for real! It ain't hard I don't know what your problem is, real people do real things, you got real things too. You ain't doing your things, or your things ain't real, then you ain't real, you know? So get it here and now and done and real.

REALLY.

If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.

Are you still here? Oh, you aren't, right. Well it's been a while, so forgive me if this is long and winded.

Holy shit, I love Christmas. My Christmas list basically consists of TV on DVD (because I don't get HBO, Showtime or SyFy but I want BSG, Dexter and SFU) and vinyl. I can't wait to watch the traditional Christmas movies with my family: Muppet Christmas Carol, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future. You know, classics.

So I am entering my fourth month of clown school (aka Comedy Writing and Performance). As time goes on, I am seeing more and more why they wanted to make a reality show out of this. Much of the time it just seems like a normal school environment: classes, assignments, deadlines. Then on top of that there is drama and gossip, an air of competition, ego and drive, the pressure to produce and succeed, and the sluggish haze of those just trying to take it all in.

After going to university, I am very aware of how different my program is from what my high school peers are now persuing. I read their facebook status updates about midterms, exams, essays upon essays. Compared to my to-do list: sketch, two minutes of material about relationships, one impression and one character. I'm not going to say I'm not stressed, but I'd rather be stressed about perfecting a dirty joke or Kristin Stewart's stoner lip-biting, than writing 3000 words on some dude's theory. It feels very much like we are being groomed for show business. And that's pretty cool (and pretty scary).

Next on the agenda, I love dogs. Anyone who knows me, knows I love dogs. I have one permanently inked on my hip, after all. I want to get a dog, but I will have to wait until I can feed myself, let alone another living creature. I'm still trying to narrow down my list of contenders on what breed to get (although I am not ruling out adopting from a shelter, I may want to show and for that I'd need a champion-sired purebred).

Contenders:

Cairn Terrier

Norfolk or Norwich Terrier

Pembroke Welsh Corgi

Boston Terrier

Why yes, I do plan things very, very, very far in advance. And yes, I sure do an insane amount of research beforehand. Pets, vacations, nuptials, offspring. You name it, I've planned it.

Probably more later. Lemon out.

I am homeless as of September.

Aw christ.

Update:

holy shit i got in
what the fuck
ALL RIGHT